Please read my blog posts from bottom to top. It will make a lot more sense that way. Thanks!

December 6th

Today is my first day of “CBT” therapy as mom called it. I looked it up because I wanted to know what I was about to get myself into. I figured out it is actually called cognitive behavioral therapy. It sounded kind of confusing at first, but I don’t think it will be too bad.

As I walked through the doors if the faded brick building, I felt super nervous. I am going to have to sit with someone and talk? I don’t remember the last time I’ve done that. I usually just choose to write my feelings on here instead. Is this lady going to think I’m being dramatic? Maybe I am just overthinking and there is nothing wrong with me. I started to sweat and I tried to block out the thoughts.

I was greeted by a lady at the desk that has a great big smile and bright eyes. She seemed so happy. I gave a soft smile back and told her my name to check in. She explained a few things and handed me off with a clipboard stacked with papers. She sent me to the fake-wood chairs aligned in a row, just a few steps from the desk. I sat down and filled out the papers. Soooo many questions.

The therapist came out and greeted me. We went into a room that had a couch, a desk, and a few comfy chairs. It was a pretty welcoming room I have to say, that made me a little less nervous. She asked me questions about my past, and how my feelings of sadness developed. She then asked me what I would like to address today. As we talked, I slowly began to open up as I could sense that this stranger did it fact care for me and wanted me to start feeling better. She gave me advice and explained that I should have absolutely no shame for feeling the way I do. She suggested different ways I can start to think more positively about myself and and others. She also asked me about my stressors and gave me tips and some ways that I can cope with them in a healthier way.

After chatting with me for over an hour, she told me that I seem to be exhibiting symptoms of Major Depressive Disorder. Although, she said she wants to have more sessions with me before she clinically diagnoses me. From the research I’ve done on my own time, I’m not surprised that she’s telling me this.

The session concluded and she helped me to schedule another appointment for next week. She explained to me that this is a long process and I have many appointments ahead of me. She shook my hand and walked me out.

Mom asked me how it went when I got in the car and for the first time in a while, I looked over at her and I said “it went great!” She smiled and we drove away.

I know this is just the beginning of my recovery journey, but man it feels good.

December 5th

It’s been a long week. Bryce and I decided it would be best if we broke up. I felt like I my thoughts were too much to handle and it caused us to fight too much.

After being home for Thanksgiving, my mom decided it may be beneficial for me to go talk to someone. As I said earlier, I am excited to get help. I’m sick of feeling the way I do.

My appointment with this new therapist is tomorrow and I’m nervous but excited to get things off my chest. A lot of the symptoms I deal with on a daily basis are so exhausting. I have many symptoms from my depression, but the symptoms I hate the most is not being able to have fun or find pleasure in any activities any more. In high school, I was so outgoing and I loved to be outside and active. I was on the cross country team, I loved to run. I also loved to hang out with my friends. It didn’t matter what we were doing, I just enjoyed the company.

Today, I feel like my interests and hobbies are no longer appealing to me. When my new friends in my dorm ask me to hang out, I’m quick to come up with an excuse of why I can’t. I’d honestly rather lay in bed then try to socialize. I also have no motivation to be active or exercise like I used to. I think this may be connected to my loss of appetite because when I don’t eat, my energy levels are even lower. I really can’t remember the last time I got a good nights rest either. This doesn’t help my energy levels either.

November 22nd, 2018

I’ve been dreading this day.. so many family members and conversations and small talk.

I woke up and struggled to get out of bed and shower. My body was moving very slow and my mind felt groggy. It felt as if I had to exert as much energy as it would take to run a marathon just to get myself out of bed and into the shower. I’m not sure how I’m suppose to go on about my day when all my energy seems to be diminished by 9am, but I kept trudging on.

After I showered and got dressed, I walked downstairs to be greeted by my entire family. My grandma came up and hugged me tight and gave me a soft kiss on the cheek. The affectionate pressure from her hug put a smile on my face. We continued to chat and I was content for this short amount of time as she told me about her trip to Ireland. The conversation died down and it was time for lunch.

Everyone sat down to enjoy the meal and I began to feel empty and withdrawn again. I didn’t feel like adding to the conversation, as my life is boring and no one probably cares about what is going on in my world. I also haven’t had much of an appetite in the last few weeks, and today is no exception. I filled a plate and slowly moved my food around as I took a bite every 5 minutes or so. My mom glanced across the table and quietly asked me if everything is okay and I said “yeah I’m fine”. This is a question i’ve been asked multiple times this past week. I think people are starting to catch on. I wouldn’t be mad if they did. I’m very sad and I could use some help and support.

After lunch finished up and my family members went their separate ways, my mom sat down with me on the couch and put her arm around me. I leaned my head onto her shoulder and we sat in silence for a minute or two. She eventually spoke and started telling me about when she was 25 and started to experience many depressive symptoms after a tough break up. I’ve never known this about my mom, and I never would have guessed it from such an amazing and strong woman. She went more into detail about her experience and also continued to tell me about how her mom (my grandma) has been suffering from depression for a long while now. I hugged her a little tighter as a tear dripped down my cheek. For the first time in a while, I felt like someone understood me. It was incredibly relieving.

November 14th, 2018

Hi, I’m a Amelia. A typical teenage college student… or so I thought.

I came into college dating Bryce, a boy from my hometown. We decided we would try and make it work, considering the distance was only an hour and a half between us. As the semester started, we were doing so well. He would come visit La Crosse one weekend, and I would go back home to visit him on the other weekend. I also got along very well with my roommate Gen, we did almost everything together and became best friends in such a short amount of time. School was going smooth for the most part, some of my classes were rather difficult, but I felt confident. But as time went on, I began to feel like I was not myself, and now here I am, feeling withdrawn and worthless.

Feeling depressed has affected my relationships in a way I never thought would happen. I used to be excited to hang out with Bryce, and I would make plans early in the week so we could hang out on the weekends. Now, instead of doing this, I started to have thoughts that maybe I wasn’t good enough or maybe he was too busy and didn’t have time to hang out with me. These thoughts seemed to come often, but he would remind me that they were false and that he loved spending time with me. I had a hard time accepting this and I began to distance myself, all because of the ruminating thoughts in my head.

To be honest, I’ve had an exhausting day and I don’t even have the energy to continue journaling today. Until next time–